生命的印记

The Marks of Life

By Diana Golden

My teammates on the United States Disabled Ski Team used to tease me about the size of my chest, joking that my greatest handicap wasn't my missing leg but my missing cleavage. Little did they know how true that would become. This past year, I found out that for the second time in my life I had cancer, this time in both breasts. I had bilateral mastectomies.

在美国残疾人滑雪队里我的队友过去常常嘲笑我的胸部。他们常开玩笑说我最大的残疾不是我失去了一条腿，而是我没有胸腔。他们并不知道那将会变得多么真实。就在去年，我在一生中第二次发现我患有癌症，这次是在两个乳房里。我必须将两边的乳房切除掉。

When I heard I'd need the surgery, I didn't think it would be a big deal. I even told my friends playfully, "I'll keep you abreast of the situation." After all, I had lost my leg to my first go-round with cancer at age 12, then gone on to become a world-champion ski racer. All of us on the Disabled Ski Team were missing one set of body parts or another. I saw that a man in a wheelchair can be utterly sexy. That a woman who has no hands can appear not to be missing anything. That wholeness has nothing to do with missing parts and everything to do with spirit. Yet although I knew this, I was surprised to discover how difficult it was to adjust to my new scars.

当我听说我需要进行开到手术的时候，我病没有意识到这是这么大的一件事情。我甚至开心的对我的朋友说"我就快赶得上你们的情形了。"毕竟，我在12 岁的时候就已经失去了我的腿，然后成为了一个获得世界滑雪冠军的运动员了。我们残疾滑雪队里的所有队员都失去了身体的一部分。我看到坐在轮椅里的男人也可以非常性感。一个失去双手的女人也可以表现的似乎从未失去过身体的任何部分。一无所有的人不必为他们失去的身体做些什么，他们所需要的只是用他们的意志去生活。尽管我知道这些，可是我还是很惊讶的发现适应我的新的伤疤是那么的困难。

When they brought me back to consciousness after the surgery, I started to sob and hyperventilate. Suddenly I found that I didn't want to face the loss of more of my body. I didn't want chemotherapy again. I didn't want to be brave and tough and put on a perpetual smiling face. I didn't ever want to wake up again. My breathing grew so shaky that the anesthesiologist gave me oxygen and then, thankfully, put me back to sleep.

当我在手术之后回复意识后，我开始抽泣接着深呼吸。突然我发现我并不像面对我失去了更多的身体这一个残忍的现实。我不想再一次接受化学治疗。我不想再次勇敢的永远带着微笑的面庞勇敢的面对这些苦难。我宁愿我没有再一次的醒来。我的呼吸变得很不均匀以至于麻醉师给我注入氧气，接着，感谢上帝，我轻轻的睡去了。

When I was doing hill sprints to prepare for my ski racing - my heart and lungs and leg muscles all on fire - I'd often be hit by the sensation that there were no resources left inside me with which to keep going. Then I'd think about the races ahead - my dream of pushing my potential as far as it could go, the satisfaction of breaking through my own barriers - and that would get me through the sprints. The same tenacity that served me so well in ski racing helped me survive my second bout with cancer.

当我为滑雪比赛做准备进行山上短跑的时候，我的心脏肺部和腿部的肌肉全都紧张起来了-我经常能感觉到我身体里没有剩余的能量继续下去了。接着我开始考虑眼前的比赛了-让我的潜力全部激发出来的梦想，突破我自己障碍的满足感-这些足矣让我全速前进。同样的固执很大程度的帮助我在滑雪比赛上做出突出表现也在我同癌症的第二回合的比赛中拯救了我。

After the mastectomies, I knew that one way to get myself going would be to start exercising again, so I headed for the local pool. In the communal shower, I found myself noticing other women's breasts for the first time in my life. Size-D breasts and size-A breasts, sagging breasts and perky breasts. Suddenly and for the first time, after all these years of missing a leg, I felt acutely self-conscious. I couldn't bring myself to undress.

在我的乳房切除手术后我知道让我自己继续生活的方法就是再次开始锻炼，所以我跑到当地的游泳池里。在这个公共的淋浴里，我发现在我的一生中第一次忍不住注意其他女人的胸部。有d号的a号的，有下垂的有坚挺的。突然也是第一次，在失去一条腿之后，我觉得我感到敏感地留神。我没有办法劝服自己脱衣服。

I decided it was time to confront myself. That night at home, I took off all my clothes and had a long look at the woman in the mirror. She was androgynous. Take my face - without makeup, it was a cute young boy's face. My shoulder muscles, arms and hands were powerful and muscular from the crutches. I had no breasts; instead, there were two prominent scars on my chest. I had a sexy flat stomach, a bubble butt and a well-developed thigh from years of ski racing. My right leg ended in another long scar just above the knee.

我决定这是我面对自己的时刻了。就在那天晚上我在家里脱掉了身上所有的衣服在镜子面前许久，看着镜子里的女人。不知道她究竟是男是女。看着没有化妆过的脸，那是一张可爱的年轻男孩的面庞。我肩膀的肌肉，双臂和手掌都充满了力量，拄着强有力的拐杖。我没有胸部，相反，胸前是两个明显的伤疤。我有一个性感的平坦的腹部，隐藏起来的臀部，经受多年滑雪比赛而锻炼起来的腿。我的右腿在原本应该是膝盖的地方断开了，留下的是另一条长长的伤疤。

I discovered that I liked my androgynous body. It fit my personality - my aggressive male side that loves getting dressed in a helmet, arm guards and shin protectors to do battle with the slalom gates, and my gentle female side that longs to have children one day and wants to dress up in a beautiful silk dress, go out to dinner with a lover and then lie back and be slowly undressed by him.

我发现我喜欢我那不男不女的残损的身体。这很适合我的个性-男性的一面有着野心和斗志，喜欢带着盔甲和胫骨保护装置去参加障碍滑雪赛进行战斗，而女性的一面的我穿着美丽的丝绸连衣裙，同爱人一起出席晚宴然后由他的爱人慢慢脱去身上的衣物。

I found that the scars on my chest and my leg were a big deal. They were my marks of life. All of us are scarred by life; it's just that some of those scars show more clearly than others. Our scars do matter. They tell us that we have lived, that we haven't hidden from life. When we see our scars plainly, we can find in them, as I did that day, our own unique beauty.

我发现在我胸前和腿上的伤疤却是很大的问题。他们是我生命的印记。我的一切都是生命留下的伤疤，这就是我比别人更清晰的显示伤疤的印记。我们的伤疤确实很重要。他们告诉我们我们正在活着，我们从来没有躲藏在生命的后面。当我们平静的看着我们的伤疤，就像我那天看到的一样，我们在这里看到我们身上独一无二的美丽。

The next time I went to the pool I showered naked.

下次，我到了游泳池，毫无遮掩的在公共浴室里淋浴。

from Angelived中文翻译 翻译：小白